The Death of the Workhorse

Yesterday, I was deep in the red during a Hyrox workout. The bike ride home was a battle of attrition; my entire body was screaming for rest. So I made a decision: this afternoon is mine. No plans, just the couch and a podcast.

But reality proved stubborn. Every five minutes, I got up. Partly unconscious, partly painfully aware of the fact that I just couldn’t stay still. Prepping something for dinner, grabbing a piece of candy, a quick run to the grocery store… I couldn’t last ten minutes just being.

The Solitude in the Multitude 

During dinner, it hit me. Earlier this year, I lay shivering under two heavy blankets, fighting physical resistance. In that Solitude in the Multitude, I said goodbye to the Survivor in me. I thought I had lovingly directed that ‘Hard Worker Dennis’ to the back seat, with the message: relax, I’m taking the wheel.

But he wasn’t ready for that at all.

Carl Jung described the Persona as the mask we wear to meet the expectations of the outside world. My mask only knows the grind. Staying busy. To this persona, rest equals obsolescence.

Then I asked myself: What is he actually afraid of?

I felt the answer in my bones: he is terrified that if he does nothing, he is no longer needed. He is afraid to die.

Compost for the Future 

I am becoming increasingly aware of the different personas I inhabit. The ‘Hard Worker Dennis’ has done an incredible job; he dragged me through the mud and built the foundation I stand on today. For that, I am eternally grateful.

But my course for the future requires different traits. The brute force of the ‘Hard Worker’ was necessary to survive, but it is now an obstacle to the depth I am seeking.

It hurts to face it. I thought he could comfortably enjoy the ride from that back seat, but I now realize he truly has to die. Jung called this process the path to wholeness: letting go of who you thought you had to be. Just like in nature, the death of one feeds the other. His ‘compost’ is the fertile soil for what is yet to come.

A New Place of Honor 

As I write this, I am writing his eulogy. With deep gratitude, I am sending him to his final resting place. Jennifer recently asked me: “Shouldn’t you put a picture of little Dennis on your desk?”

But little Dennis is doing just fine. I am going to place a picture of the big Dennis on my desk. The man who fought and built for years. I will honor and thank him, so he can finally find the rest he has earned.

The foundation is laid. The guard has changed.

“The first half of life is devoted to forming a healthy ego, the second half is going inward and letting go of it.” – Carl Jung

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